I’m Running OUT Of Time
As much as I want to be OUT to my family and friends, I find it extremely difficult to do because I am lacking the time. At first I thought that I could do it before my birthday and yet, I haven’t made any progress because of so many unexpected events.
Almost two weeks have gone by since the turn of the year but I haven’t gotten any near to the accomplishment of my course of action or plan. I think it is because the fear of a negative reaction or response from my family has somehow pre-empted me that I was too scared to move or speak up. I fear rejection the most.
There were several instances when I was alone at home with my sister Christine and my little niece Kim but I never drew the courage to say anything about my being different. I really thought that I should speak to Christine about my secret first before I could tell the rest of the family. I owe it to her. It was me that she and her husband Arniel called before they told my parents that they are getting married. They asked me for advises on when and how to tell it to my folks. I was a bit shocked that time; I remembered that the immediate question I asked was “Are you pregnant?”
Of course, I’m not expecting Christine to ask me that question when I finally get to tell her about my being GAY. To me, she has been mature enough to see things as they are. She is not necessarily conservative but her judgments and opinion on things are probably drawn from her current experience as a family person. I find it more important now to tell her first because I wanted to ask her how I could tell it to Felma and Santiago without hurting them so much.
I’ve seen a lot of television shows where gay people come out to their friends, officemates and families. And I had mixed feelings about watching such episodes. Part of me was happy that they got the chance to say it in the open; part of me was sad when I see that people close to them had shocked looks on their faces; and part of me was sorry to the families who were caught off guard or totally surprised by the news that they find hard to understand and accept.
I have already come out to my sister Karen. It took me a lot of courage to say it to her. It was 3 years ago when she was on an educational tour in Luzon. I told her inside one of the malls in Mandaluyong City. I could never forget how she reacted to my news because she left a black trail of mascara stains on my brown tee shirt.
There is always this long silent gap paired with a step-back-put-one-hand-over-open-mouth motion after I spill out the news. This happened to Karen. She was very silent. If I were in her place I would definitely be reacting that way. There was a very long gap between me and her. We walked around the mall for about 5 minutes, in silence.
When I finally said to her, “Even if I’m gay, and no matter what happens, I will always be your brother”, my sister suddenly cracked up and burst into to tears. In my shock I hugged her and held her tight, unmindful of the mascara that smeared her face and the stains that blotted my brown shirt. Unmindful of the people who passed us by. I was grateful to Karen. Right then and there, she accepted me without questions, without prejudice, without revulsion.
I know, I think I’m underestimating my family’s capacity to understand and to accept me as I am. I’m hopeful that there would be something in there heart that would make them speak out and say that “It is all right to be different. Gay or not, you are still our son/ brother and nothing could change that. We will always love you”
I don’t know how Christine will react, what she will say. I have no idea how my family will react. I don’t know what they will say and do. I really don’t know. But I do know one thing though. I’m really running out of time.
